A year ago today....

I have avoided this blog for quite some time. There have been many things I have wanted to say to you my friend...but I could not type them because every time I would even entertain the idea, it would make me horridly sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I will continue this blog-  because to me it is important. Maybe one day your beautiful girls will see it- and they will know how much you meant to so many, or at least what a great friend you were to me.

A year ago today, was when of the most shocking, heartbreaking, saddest days of my life. It was the day that you were struggling too much, had hurt for too long, and ultimately ended all of that for yourself. I tried to tell you there was another way. I tried to get you to come stay with us. You had made up your mind days before.

You have missed so much! Potty training for Bella. Coco talking more, and Gesenia turning into a beautiful young woman! Oh, I am sure you are looking down from heaven at your three beautiful girls. I am sure you are now their Guardian Angel... but I also know it would be so much better if you were here! Your wife has done some changing too. She is moving forward- which I believe is the best thing she could do. I try to stay in touch with her, she has become quite the busy lady!

There are many times when John and I have been trying to work through things that I sit back and reminisce about the times you would explain things from a guys perspective while fixing surgical instruments in my office. I MISS those times. You were able to explain things so well! I always try to remember everything you said, and how you said it- because you were always right. It helps :)

So my friend... this post isn't turning out to be what I though or maybe wanted...but maybe it is just what I needed to say.

Today, John and I have decided to celebrate your life by going to one of our favorite hang out places...I know it was one of yours too. Texas Roadhouse! :) Maybe we will even get to sit in the same booth we all sat in for lunch that awesome day last September :) It's going to be epic!

*Sigh*

It has been a long time my friend. A very long time. Nearly 7 months have passed since you went away- Yet it still feels like yesterday. I have avoided writing here, there was a space in time where I was angry at you. Angry that you left, angry that your beautiful children will grow up without you, that Coco won't know you, that you will be a distant memory to Bella, and sweet Senia will always hurt because she doesn't have you. I was angry because your family was not reason enough for you to stay- because our friendship was not reason enough for you to stay. I am glad the anger has passed, now I am back to being numb, sad, glad you have peace, and just plain missing my best friend.

I was listening to music on iTunes the other day, and there was a song that took me back to when you were here.. I smiled for a moment, and then realized that you would not be here for Father's Day. Your beautiful girls would not get to see you and give you home made cards, and help you unwrap presents- that they will not get to hug you, or tell you "I love you daddy" or listen to your favorite song with you. You will miss so much because you are not physically here- you already have. . .

But, life must go on. It is the one thing that i have learned. No matter what happens in my life, the world continues to move in many different directions, life doesn't stop just because I want it to sometimes... it is too busy to pause for a moment- yet that doesn't mean that I cannot.

It finally happened...

Two weeks ago, I met the new FST for Karl Storz. I guess people would call him your replacement, except for the fact that you are not replaceable. It has been a hard two weeks.
His name is Scott. He's a young kid from New York. He was an OES (?) for two years, and now he is the FST for us. He's very nice, and he seems to really want to help and do a good job... It is hard when you had the best in the beginning though, and now you are trying to teach the "new guy" how to be even half as good as what you had. Again, he is trying and I have to give him credit for that. He is nowhere near as organized, or as prepared as you... and the worst part of it all...They gave him your Phone.
I had tried to prepare myself for that, I had kept telling myself that it was a possibility- And then when I talked to Elizabeth, and she told me that Nate had your phone and all of your things- I knew that it would more than likely happen. But still, when he handed me his business card, with your number on it- I couldn't help it. I stood there with tears running down my face in front of Nate, Scott, and the Territory manager-Rob? I don't remember his name, but I know that he came to your viewing, and your funeral. I apologized and told them that this wasn't a habit of mine, and that they most likely would never see it happen again. (I will just wait till everyone is gone next time)

I know I probably should, but I couldn't change your name in my phone. Scott has my cell phone number, as it is easier to get in touch with me (as you were well aware)...Every time he shows up and there's no one at the front desk, he calls me so that I can let him in. Your name pops up, along with your picture. It is a blessing and a curse. It is a reminder of you my friend..as every time I see your picture and your name, I can hear your voice saying "Kellie Brown, Kellie Brown, Kellie Brown, how's it going?" Sometimes I can even hear your laugh. I am afraid as soon as iI change it, I will lose your voice. It is a curse because I am constantly reminded of what I great friend I lost, and what a great asset you were to the place that I work.

I miss you my friend. Always.

Until we meet again,

-Kellie

A couple of weeks ago, John and I rescued a puppy. :) I know crazy right? You would think that our life is crazy enough as it is right now... but this little puppy just kind of fell into our lives unexpectedly. So unexpectedly in fact that we truly were not prepared AT ALL. Not only did we not have a kennel, puppy food, toys, and everything else little puppies need..we had no idea that this puppy wasn't even ready to leave it's momma. He was only 4 weeks old! It has been years since either one of us have had puppies in our lives...Years. I think if memory would have served me right, I would have taken into consideration the amount of sleepless nights, and cleaning up messes before we jumped on the bandwagon. Oh, I would have still done it...but let's just say I am still running on very little sleep and lots of stress! I know if you were here you would want to see him, so here he is! His name is Cesar :)

The funny thing, or not so funny thing about this post is that the other day, without even thinking, I called you. It was so instinctual that it took me a second to realize what I was doing.  I so badly wanted to tell you how excited we were, and ask you how things were going, and have it be like old times... Even if I could have just heard "You have reached Dustin Hulett with Karl Storz Endoscopy..." Every day I wish I could hear your voice, and see your face. . . 

To my best friend.

If I would have known that your life would be cut short, I would have held on to every conversation that much harder. I would have let you know in person that you were important, needed and loved by so many, but especially by me and my dear sweet husband. I would have taken pictures to help make those great moments we shared last forever. I would have recorded your voice so that I would be sure to never ever forget it. I would have never have erased any of the conversations we had via email/text message... I hold the ones that I kept so dear.

There are so many "could have" "would have" and "should haves", it is enough to make a grieving friend go crazy! Instead, I will continue to do what I have done since the day that you passed. I will write you letters, and share my thoughts and feelings- but from this day  on, they will be place here and not just in my thoughts.

My hope is to keep you alive. Keep my memories of you flowing, keep your voice in my head, and to also -hopefully- have others that knew you and loved you so much share theirs as well. I don't know who will find this blog, maybe no one, but if by chance someone does, it is open to everyone. Who knows, maybe one day your sweet girls will find it one day too, and they will  know what you so desperately wanted them to always remember.  you told me a few days before you passed, that you wanted them to always know that you loved them more than anything, and that you were a good dad.

Like the title of this post says, you were my BEST FRIEND. I hold you so close to my heart, and will always keep you there.

-Kellie